Download PDF How to Raise an Adult Break Free of the Overparenting Trap and Prepare Your Kid for Success Audible Audio Edition Julie LythcottHaims Macmillan Audio Books

Product details Audible Audiobook Listening Length 12 hours and 31 minutes Program Type Audiobook Version Unabridged Publisher Macmillan Audio Audible.com Release Date September 10, 2015 Whispersync for Voice Ready Language English, English ASIN B015908QHE

How to Raise an Adult Break Free of the Overparenting Trap and Prepare Your Kid for Success Audible Audio Edition Julie LythcottHaims Macmillan Audio Books Reviews

• I want to make a response to a particular charge about this book - that it only refers to the 1% who can send their children to Harvard or Stanford.
  It is true that the author's world is that of the privileged elite and that her book speaks primarily to parents in this socio-economic class. However, many of the issues she describes are applicable across all social and economic strata if in slightly different ways.
  
  I worked for many years at a nursing school that admitted students who were solidly middle class, not members of any elite. Because our tuition was less expensive than the universities that surrounded us we also had a fair number of students who would generally be classified as poor but ambitious and upwardly mobile.
  
  My experience with the majority of our students was fine. They worked hard and succeeded according to their abilities. However, there was an appreciable number of students [25-40%] who would have fit very well in Ms. Lythcott-Haims book. I remember vividly one student (21 years of age)who came into her interview with her mother. The mother refused to leave the interview and answered every question for her daughter. The daughter simply sat there. Whenever I asked the applicant a question she looked at her mother and said nothing. This situation was not really that uncommon. Parents frequently showed up at interviews. If they didn't come to the interview - many called. Mostly these parents told me how wonderful their child was, how caring and well suited for the nursing profession they were. Every year you had students who filled out their application to the program saying they wanted to be a nurse because their mother told them it was the right profession for them.
  
  All too usual were the students whose parents threatened legal action because their child failed a course, and the ones who brought lawyers to the school because their child failed out of the program. There were students who thought they were entitled to good grades because they did well in high school, and ones who thought everything that happened at the school was about them and their wishes. If they got a bad grade it wasn't because they didn't study, it was because the teacher didn't like them, or the test was unfair, or it was raining outside. Nothing was ever these kids faults. Then you had the ones we all regretted - kids who would have made great nurses, but who gave up because they couldn't accept any grade less than an A and so they just walked away. You also had plenty of kids who had great grades - they could do anything you asked academically, but when you put them in a clinical setting they froze. Some of these students had to be told over and over again what to do in the clinical setting. They never took any initiative; they never had any confidence. They always had to have an instructor holding their hands. Some of these students grew up in clinical; some of them quit school because the stress of having to act in the clinical setting was just too much.
  
  The problems described in How to Raise an Adult are found in all levels of society now and my fear is that the problem is growing. The issues of immaturity that are common in elite schools are becoming ever more common all along the educational ladder.
• I am an English teacher with twenty-six years in the profession. She is spot on with the current state of parenting in our nation. Some reviewers here complained that she is only referencing the 1% at the top; however, the traits and behaviors mentioned all show up throughout the various economic classes. I see it every single day. The major issue I see with the book and the situation overall, which she honestly admits to, is that colleges such as Stanford have created an environment where parental scheduling, extreme involvement, and total guidance, all are necessary to get admitted. You cannot "just be a kid" and find yourself playing in the street and believe that academically or athletically you are going to match up with these other "groomed" kids when high school graduation hits. The author's admission that she raced with C-Section stitches still healing to the best pre-school in Palo Alto to get her kid on the waiting list says everything you need to know about how she speaks out of both sides of her mouth in this book. I am also a football and golf coach and can say with certainty that it is truly the rare kid who just "plays and shows up" who goes on to play beyond high school. Most scholarship kids have been getting private coaching for years and most kids who get into Harvard and Stanford do the same. That being said, I do believe that the author is right that
  over time the skills you learn from "going it alone" as a kid and being forced to "figure it all out" will benefit you in adulthood, but one wonders if by the time you get it figured out, everyone else has a degree and a foot in the door ahead of you.
• I learned about this book because it was recommended by the Dean of Student at my son's college. I found it to be a validating and informative read.
  I see that a small number of reviewers are disappointed with the book. I see great value in this work on a number of levels, but I'll tailor my comments to some of the concerns I saw expressed there.
  Some reviewers expressed anger at the author's snobbery or hypocrisy, or anger because they felt it offered a pertinent message only to upper class audiences. I have read this and watched the author's TED talks and TEDx talks. It may be that I'm conflating her writing and her speaking, but I didn't watch the TED talks until after I completed the book. I found her to show admirable humility, not hubris, when she talked about her own forays into overprotective parenting. Her care and concern for our youth strikes me as very genuine.
  I don't know where my family falls on the national socioeconomic spectrum. I think we're upper middle class. I know we live in a moderately affluent town, in which most students enroll in college after high school graduation (no one's touting data on whether or not they remain and complete a degree). I know parents that do their kids' homework and parents that allow their kids to do it on their own. Our family was already operating counter-culturally. We had to sit down with our eldest child's guidance counselor to explain that we weren't concerned about building his resume for all those "Tier 1 schools" she was pushing for him. She was shocked that we had concerns on our list beyond the prestige of the schools at which he might be accepted.
  I think this book offers value for the time and money for the vast majority of parents. Maybe the college admissions racket isn't a big concern for you and your child if you have other paths mapped out. But here's the thing your child will be living alongside peers for whom the dynamic she describes has been or continues to be very real. Learning about this reality may educate you so that you know to steer your child away from making a lifetime commitment to one of these parent-directed automatons. You child will live among these directionless peers, so getting familiar with what makes them tick, or even familiar enough to recognize the dynamic at play, has great value. If nothing else, it may help you and your child to identify strengths you didn't even know were strengths, because you thought they were basic skills. I assure you, the ability to talk to someone face-to-face and advocate for him- or herself is unique today. Just last night, I listened as a group of employers bemoaned the lack of basic skills in the pool of candidates for their job openings. This dynamic is real. If you and your child have escaped it, rejoice! But forewarned is forearmed, and reading this may offer insight into just how awesome and employable your child is.
  I have learned that sometimes we express anger when we are actually feeling defensive. That may not be the case for a single negative reviewer. But if 1,000 people have read the book, I'm sure at least one has reacted this way. This book calls us to step off the competition treadmill. That's a scary-ass thing to do when you're afraid it might mean your kid doesn't "make it." And she does mention that it's not unheard of for us parents to let our own egos get in the way. I think she's actually pretty gentle in her call to common sense, because she acknowledges that none of us "overparent" because we want to screw up our kids. We do it our of care and concern. She pushes us to look at our behavior from another perspective and consider that, in some parenting situations, less is actually more, and more may be too much.
  The one thing I think she could have talked more about are some of the other reasons that families might write off the big name schools. The Ivies and many other big names are large schools. We knew our children needed smaller communities. She does mention that piece, as the "fit" of the school for a child. But finances should be a big piece of any family's discussion about higher ed. I know many people labor under the misconception that any price is worth that big-name diploma. I have enough experience to disagree. First of all, let me snarkily say that most graduates of "big-names" (I am "Boston Mom." We have a disproportionate number of them in our area.) grow heads too big to fit through doorways. So an obvious negative. ;-)
  But if your loans for that "big-name" diploma preclude your ability to marry, buy a home, and afford have children so that you can go through the whole darn cycle over again with them, (or whatever you life goals are - students loans can kill so many dreams) what the heck was it all for?
  To the criticisms that this is applicable to a narrow audience maybe. But the author wrote about what she knows. As for the frequent references to her professional role as Dean at Stanford, it's common for readers to consume only certain chapters or excerpts of a book. This is valid information, and it has to be offered repeatedly for people that are coming to Chapter ?? cold. Don't you remember how they re-introduced us to Nancy Drew in EVERY SINGLE book - "Titian-haired teenaged amateur sleuth, Hannah Gruen, fabulous dad Carson, athletic friend George," etc., etc. Yes, I found it repetitious. But it served a purpose for some readers, as does the author's numerous introductions of her experience.
  As I said before I digressed, the author wrote about what she knows, from her field work. Is it the complete story? Of course not. No one can tell you the complete story. If they could, there wouldn't be the plethora of books on the topic that there are. But I enjoy her writing style, I believe her experience gives her credibility, and the message has value whether it's to impact our own parenting or to give us insight into the reality of life for today's youth. Yes, there's a lot about college admissions (again, this is what she KNOWS), and that can help parents in the midst of the search or at the brink of it. But there may be even greater value for parents of 10-year-olds. They're going to hear, before it's threatening because they're afraid that they've already failed their kids, that there are other ways to go about parenting.